Apparently the PC crowd has claimed its biggest prize yet, the name and logo of the Washington Redskins. We here at Beacon of Speech are very displeased by mobs forcing nickname or logo changes anywhere in North American sports. It is a symbolic erosion of Free Speech.
But since the changes are seemingly a done deal, sportswriter Conor Orr has chimed in that he has 5 suggestions to re-name the football team. We will evaluate each and give our review. Again these are from Conor Orr:
Americans or Warriors - When I think of Americans, I think of the Memphis Americans of the NASL. When I think of Warriors, I think of the Golden State Warriors of the NBA.
Red Tails or Red Clouds - Supposedly the Red Tails would be named after the Tuskegee Airmen. The Red Clouds would be named after a Native American hero. I believe leaving Red in the name would be problematic for the PC crowd.
Hogs (or a derivative) - Based upon the nicknames of the old Redskins Offensive Lines of the 80's & 90's. I guess it could be worse.....
Senators/Presidents/Federals/Founders - When I think of Senators, I think of the Ottawa Senators of the NHL. The other 3 names are terrible. Do not name your football team after government officials.
Skip the Nickname - Another terrible idea.
All of the suggestions above are bland or unoriginal.
These are the Nicknames Dan Snyder SHOULD consider.
Washington Rusty Machetes - See? You're already cringing because you are visualizing an unpleasant death. Your mascot could be the Grim Reaper.
Washington Cenobites - What's scarier than demons from hell? You could play the "we'll tear your soul apart" tagline throughout the game.
Washington Plague Vendors - One day Covid-19 will be gone and the team will be associated with whatever virus is next.
Washington Mercenaries - You could have a rough, intimidating mascot, but it would be okay because even though he would be paid to fight in war, his race and creed would be obscured by military gear.
Washington Silver Bullets - Once upon a time, there was a Bullets basketball team, but political correctness forced a nickname change. Silver Bullets would be a better connotation because they're good, they kill werewolves.
Or Dan Snyder could just turn the 'name the team game' into a 'naming rights game.' Whomever pays the most money, that's the team's name. The Washington Chevrolets? Did their check clear?
Seriously, if I was Dan Snyder, I'd crumple up that Sports Illustrated article and throw it at Conor Orr. "I own the f%cking team. You want to change the name? You can buy it for $3.4 BILLION and name the team the Washington Wilting Daisies for all I care."
And walk away.
Personally? If I had $3.4 billion burning a hole in my pocket? I would name the team The Atomic Hellstorm. Football is a game of violence that tries to pretend that it's not violent. My team logo would embrace violent imagery and I guarantee you that the Atomic Hellstorm would be #1 in merchandising for the next generation. I would pay Gene Simmons from Kiss to use a similar helmet design as his defunct Arena League team and ask someone like Todd McFarlane to design the uniforms.
You notice that I forgot to type Washington into The Atomic Hellstorm name? Yeah I didn't. Since Washington D.C. strong armed Dan Snyder into changing the name, I would fully change the name and drop the Washington also.
If D.C. is lucky, I won't move my team to San Antonio. But if I did stay in Washington, I'd be marketing my team up and down the East Coast. By de-emphasizing Washington, I would be trying to steal fans from the Eagles, Ravens, and Giants.
"Hey kid, why you wearing that lame Jets Jersey? Your friends think you're a dope. Wouldn't you rather wear a cool Atomic Hellstorm Jersey?"
I'm going to the copyright office right this second.
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